#life #struggle #studies #motivation #decisionmaking #workingstudent #ojt #selfsupport #breadwinner #whattodo
I don’t actually know where to start.
I don’t actually know what to say.
All I know… I’m now facing an another predicament. Specifically, financial. Well, it’s invariably like that. My thoughts goes like a swing. Should I be happy? Matutuwa ba ako kung mahahanapan ng paraan ng professor namin na makapag-ojt amidst being an irregular student with insufficient prerequisite units required for ojt. Or should I be sad? Dahil, kapag nag-ojt ako, that means filing a temporary “leave” from work. That would be two months, two months without financial support. Paano ako makakapag-ojt? We were told not to focus on companies that offer allowances, that experience matters the most and I agree with that. Now, what should I do with my two siblings na sinusuportahan ko financially? It’s not only I, who needs allowance but also my siblings for their entrance into highschool. The only things I need right now is a budget for 2 months, an allowance for my ojt and for my siblings daily budget. Where should I get that? Don’t even have the capacity to borrow. It feels like my head turns unstoppably for analyzing on what necessary steps should I take. Should I just postpone my ojt? Should I just do it after taking all my subjects? No. I couldn’t even risk not joining my blockmates in their commencement. How I wish to be part of my college graduation ceremony. How I wish to see myself in that portrait smiling, wearing that graduation togs. But, those dreams felt like chasing a mice in the dark. Sometimes, thoughts would come in “Am I so selfish for not giving up my dreams and just focus on work to support my siblings? “
In the contrary, I just only like to be fair to the both of us, for myself and for my siblings that’s why I chose to be a working student who does not only does self-supporting but also takes care of her sibling’s needs. I don’t want to be caught up in a situation where someday I might regret not being fair to myself. Someday, I don’t want to be filled with regrets of being an irresponsible sister who leaves her siblings on the hook. I admit, if I hadn’t brought them her with me, I could’ve been a 50% free bird who enjoys her salary for herself. I could’ve been able to buy what I need. I could’ve just send them 20% of money and the rest will be for myself. But I had enough. I had enough of hearing news where my siblings are being treated unfairly by my stepfather. Aside from not being fed rightfully, their studies are also compromised. I don’t want them to grow undereducated and contribute to the wasted economy in the future. If I had big dreams for myself, so for them. Without realizing the risk, I saved a lot and brought them her with me. I have to be fair to all of us so I made it point that no matter what no one will stop studying. I’m just so happy that by April, they’d be graduating from elementary. It’s one of the precious achievements I’m gonna cherish for all my life. But just like what I formerly mentioned, the real deal came to slap me. My decision-making will be tested. Having an OJT on June where my siblings will also begin highschool studies begins to rectify my positive notion. Why does things always have to intersect it’s ways. Why does things always have to involve legal tenders? Why does the world needs to revolve around money? I’m stuck. What should I do? Why are these things happening?
Why?
Why?
Why?
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After posting this, we’ll see what happens next. Will I be able to make it through?
Ms. Autonomous (Inside Out) 
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