#hardwork #motivation #sacrifices #workingstudent
Ever tried going to school on an empty stomach? Well, some of us would be nowadays. It’s a common thing that people do specially when they’re on a rush. But, not for me. Scarsity is our family’s living hell. For a single mother of four children, how could she possibly be able to feed us all with her tiny income from selling used clothes (ukay-ukay)? There were days, most days that we could only afford buying a 1/4 kilo of rice and then make a porridge out of it just so it could fill 6 stomachs. We were even doing a “one day, one eat” routine (common to most poor Filipino families) I thought, I don’t want to live like this forever. I can’t live like this forever. I need to find a way.
J, a classmate and a friend of mine helped me to join her to be a household working student in one of our school’s teacher, Ms. K. Knowing my situation, she gladly took me in. I remember that very day… It was lunchtime after I got the approval of joining J. I went straight home and packed my things. “Ma, mag-woworking student na po ako kay Ms. K,” (Trans: “Mom, I’m gonna be a working student. “) I said. She was left speechless as I went my way back to school. I did not spoke any more words, just that. She might not thought that I could do decisions like that sternly.
“Naku, kung ikaw papasok bilang working student hindi ka magtatagal, palalayasin ka na ng amo mo! “
(Trans: “Jesus! If you become a working student, you’ll be kicked out sooner.”
I remember her telling me that whenever she gets angry at my procrastinations. But, I took it as a motivation. I want to prove that she was wrong, that I could do better, that I only procrastinate at home. (Well, it’s only natural when you’re at your own home right?) I want to make her see that I could last, that I’m not like what she’s thinking.
My decision was actually for the reason of minimizing the budget needed for us to survive. That by leaving the house, I’m adding a budget for my siblings.
Days at Ms. K’s
It was hard.
Is all I can say…
Being apart from you family you cherished the most is the saddest thing that life could offer. I was troubled all the time. And I was troubled adjusting to the new environment I am in living with people you’re totally aren’t related to. I was anxious. What could they possibly thought about me? My emotional and psychological state of mind was attacked. Anxiety dripped all over. It feels like eating something you don’t like but you should because it would heal you. I was in that state. I wanted to go out. I wanted to go back home. If I do, what life would there be? Should I just continue eating rice porridge all my life while I study? Or should I just continue going to school eating nothing at all just so I could be with my family? What could a mere elementary student should do to help? Should I just stopped studying and go back to the market as a laborer? (Me, as a Child Laborer-next topic)
This is when I realized what sacrifice looks like. I never wondered it had a face in actions.
Working while you study is never easy. At such a young age, I had to learn multi-tasking. If my friend, J made it then I should too. She helped me a lot in all of my adjustment phases and taught me what a working student does.
Everyday, we have routined household chores to do before preparing to go to class. I wake up at 4:00 or 4:30 am to cook for breakfast and prepare food the lunchboxes for us and for Ms. K’s twin daughters (How I miss those days). While J cleans the garage and the floor and the outsides of the convent where we are living (Ms. K is a priest’ niece). After school, 5 pm onwards, we do the cleaning and/or laundrying. At night, I do the ironing of the uniforms and then help at the kitchen.
Ms. K, her daughters, her uncle Msgr. L were so warm towards us that I did not feel anxious towards my actions anymore. Days became happier. I got to play with Ms. K’s twins who are just 4 years younger than us. They were so kind that they’d include us in their travels, they’d help us in our chores, and I treated them just like my sisters by helping them in their studies. Ms. K would also support me in my academic travels like participating in school contests. She never treated me like a maid. She sees us like her daughters too.
Years passed, almost 2 years maybe, to be specific. Things changed. I get so emotionally irritated at how things changed. Some days were better, some days becomes worst that I feel like really going back home telling myself I can’t do it anymore. It maybe just a feeling, but I somehow felt the oddness of the atmosphere that surrounds me. I wasn’t treated like I used to be treated before. (I repeat, it’s just a feeling.) My emotional state of mind has been attacked (I cannot specifically disclose my reasons)… Again.
Doubtless I was, I ran away from them bringing with me hopeless thoughts.
I had made it to highschool. Now that there’s no one who’s gonna support my financial needs, what should I do?
Those were the thoughts as I boarded on the jeep ready to leave that place.
Maybe, I should just stop? Maybe I should just marry so there’d be a husband who will feed me?
Ridiculous, isn’t it? For an already 16 years old me, how did those thoughts came in? I judged myself for being so weak. Why am I be so emotionally weak? Why can’t I just endure those emotional pain and just go on until I finish highschool?
An Outcast
Running away… I was lost.
I never knew where to go. Going back home was never an option because I don’t want to add up my mother’s burden. Thick faced, I’d live with different families. At first, I went to my aunt. I did continued my highschool studies with her help. Because my school was 2 rides away from her home, soon she felt burdened. She felt she gets nothing from me. Her financial support became useless because I couldn’t even help her in her daily household chores. I’d wake up at 4, do a little bit of cleaning, cook then leave for school. At school, we were always dismissed at 5:30 pm. Going home, I’d get stucked up in traffic so I would usually arrive 6:30 pm already. She hates it when I do things at night, so I really have no choice. I don’t know what to do. I always feel anxious about doing things afraid that she might just get angry at me. Once again, I was emotionally attacked. Crying at night, I always pray to God.
“Please let me know my father. I need help. I badly wanted to finish my studies. I had to. “
You know, that’s when I realized how prayer can be so powerful. Later that day, my bestfriend V, called me saying she’d help get to know my father’s family, that they were just a few steps away from their house. I was really introduced to my grandma and aunts (from my father’s kin). They knew who I was. They knew the story of the past so they weren’t so shocked seeing an illegitimate child like me. My father served at a cargo shipping company, so I wasn’t really able to have a glimpse of presence.
Though I was recognized, I still felt I wasn’t accepted. It’s such a controversial situation to have appeared and disclose my identity to my father’s family knowing his wife and children were in that same community.
Ms. Autonomous (Inside Out) 
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